Aries (mar. 21-apr. 20)
Aries your friends consider you a very "warm and inviting" individual. They also say that you emit, and I quote, "an intoxicating aroma." Yes, I know what you're thinking Aries. Fear not my little spring chickens, for you are not, despite the suggestion of these back-handed compliments, in anyway akin to a Cinnabun. Except for the stickiness factor.
Lucky numbers:
11 22 19 63
Taurus (apr. 21-may 21)
Desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend. Take a tip from fellow Taurien, Bill Shakespeare, who said: "Asses are made to bear, and so are you."
Lucky numbers:
1 0 6 6
Gemini (may 22- jun. 21)
Hey Gemini! How's it going? Long time -- no see. Well, the main point I want to bring up this week is this: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!! Maybe not today, maybe not tommorrow, but someday. Seriously dude, this could be it. So, you might want to consider setting that bong down long enough to try to remember what you used to do before you became a boring old man.
Lucky numbers:
15 34 blue
Cancer (jun. 22-jul. 22)
All irony aside, you may have Cancer. Get that mole checked again.
Lucky numbers:
78 1,233
Leo (jul. 23-Aug 22)
Leo, you've seen the Yak with the purple kazoo, as well as the earthworm and her one wooden shoe. You've been to Aruba, Bengal and Peru, there isn't a country that hasn't met you. Your noble, and wise, beyond all your years, but still you are crippled by certain small fears. Like thimbles, or symbols that you cannot define. Or words that sit silently waiting to rhyme. In e-mail and fax, tele or letter, your business transactions, I feel, would go better, if only you'd heed the advice of an astrologer who knows what you need as a high strung etymologer: Try writing more musical, or perhaps even seussical, or at least will you please try writing on speed. It may come out sounding like a trip or a dream, but alas we all know it is only that feind, that the Beats would refer to as good old Benny. Hit em' high, hit em' low, go team go! Yeah Amphetamines!!!
Lucky numbers:
19 95 0 12
Virgo (aug. 23-sep. 23)
See Libra.
Lucky numbers:
0 thru infinity
Libra (sept. 24-oct. 23)
See Virgo.
Lucky numbers:
4 17 1,624,998
Scorpio (oct. 24-nov. 22)
You will receive the shock of your life this week when, your sister, after revealing that she is actually your mother and that your mother is in fact your grandmother, accidentally knocks the toaster into your bubblebath.
Lucky numbers:
3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679
8214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196
4428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273
724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609...
Sagittarius (nov. 23-dec.21)
Upon the suggestion of a fellow postal worker, you will decide to stop in for a drink at "The Mailroom." You will be immediately bewildered by the lack of women at this establishment. You wil go home wondering why everyone laughed when you explained your position at the postal service saying, "Well I used to be in delivery, but I definitely hapier with my new position in receiving. Delivery was just too exhausting."
Lucky numbers:
40 4 34 26
Capricorn (dec. 22-jan. 20)
This week you will laugh harder than you did that one time when you made your handicapped cousin Leroy sing karaoke to Rod Stewart's "If you want my body."
Lucky numbers:
23 6 79 0 8
Aquarius (jan. 21-feb. 19)
ER doctors will fail in their attempts to console your widow/widower this weekend with the all too familiar "At least you're finally free to start playing the field again" line.
Lucky numbers:
69 broseph!!!
Pisces (feb. 20-mar. 20)
Chekoslovokian pickpockets will immediately regret picking your pocket later this week, as you will have already replaced the money in your billfold with peices of thinly-sliced lengua.
Lucky numbers:
13 71 87 22